Updated: Dec 18, 2020
“What do you want?"
This question terrified me for so long. Terrified me, seriously. Maybe you can relate.
Years ago, my coach asked me this question during a session and absolutely refused to take “I don’t know“ for an answer. Thank god she didn’t let me get away with that shit. From that point forward, I began to entertain the idea (that was super threatening at the time) that it was okay for me to have desires and needs, and that it was okay for me to pursue them, and that it was okay for me to enjoy them.
I had taught myself for so long to downplay my desires, my needs, and my preferences until it was almost impossible for me to connect to them at all, and until it felt incredibly scary and dangerous to even think about what they might be. Because I had prioritized the happiness and wellbeing of everyone else around me far above my own, it felt extremely foreign to consider that I should begin prioritizing my own desires. Thanks, codependency!
Why was it so scary? Why did I feel so threatened by the simple question “what do you want“?
It was because I thought that it was selfish of me to have desires let alone to pursue them. I literally thought that I would be harming people by admitting to and pursuing my desires. I thought that if I admitted to and pursued my desires, I would abandon my passion for helping others and making the world a better place. I thought that if I started to make my life about what I wanted, that people around me would be disappointed in me, would judge me, would look down on me, would think less of me.
I couldn’t see how I could be a good person and pursue my dreams at the same time.
This may sound crazy, or you may be in the same boat that I was.
I want to tell you that your desires are SACRED. Your desires have purpose. Your desires are literally guideposts designed perfectly and individually for you in your life. Your desires exist to help you live the life you are here to live. Your desires exist FOR you, not against you. Your desires are not here to fuck you up, or tease you, or disappoint you, or stay unfulfilled in your head creating resentment and sadness. Your desires are here for you to LIVE THEM.
Thankfully I took the scary step and began naming and walking towards what I wanted in life. Once I did this, my life truly opened up and blossomed in such incredible, almost unbelievable ways that I never could have predicted or controlled (even though I was desperate to try and control everything).
If there’s one piece of advice I could share with the world, it would be to really tap into what you want, respect your desires enough to go after them, and to enjoy the process every step of the way. I’ll talk more about this process in a future blog post, but for now I just want you to WANT. What do you want?