Hello my loves! Happy Black History Month!
Before we get started, I think it’s important on this post to issue a trigger warning. I’m going to be discussing some work that I’ve been doing with a client of mine on her beliefs about what certain behaviors mean about her, namely that she’s a whore. It needs to be said that I support sex workers, and I support women in making whatever choices feel best for themselves about their own bodies. End of story. If you’ve ever had someone in your life call you a whore, a slut, a bitch, or if you yourself are actually a sex worker, this post will be helpful for you, but it will also be triggering. So with all my love, keep reading if you’d like to.
I’m about to give you a very intimate look into my work with one of my private clients. We decided that it would be helpful for her to list out all of her judgments about herself regarding this one area of her life. Then, we went through each judgment, each indictment, and connected back to the truth that contradicted the shame story that she was carrying about these judgments. In this process, we’re setting her free from the lies she’s been believing for years and years and years, so that she can decide how she wants to live her life rather than continuing to live it out of fear or shame. So I’m going to read each judgment now, along with how we reframed them:
The judgment: I owe him. The truth: (I do not owe him a thing. I do not owe him my attention, my time, my smile, my laughter, my care, my love, my body, my focus, my feelings. The truth is that I owe myself these things. Even when I choose to make commitments to people, even when I choose to enter into relationships with people and love them, I still ow)
I can’t say no to him. (Of course I can. Watch me. I'm gonna say no to him -- and laugh about it later.)
This is a lot of work. (No, it's not. It's a lot of work to entertain a man I don't really want to be with. Plus -- I'd rather do the work of saying no than the work of being fake.)
This is hard. (that's what my fear wants me to believe so I don't have to feel the vulnerability that comes with me being true to ME.)
I don’t want to be in a relationship. (Good thing I'm just dancing with him, I guess! Good thing I just kissed him, I guess! Good thing I didn't marry him, I guess! Nothing I ever do implies commitment -- and even when I do choose to commit to a guy, my relationship with myself still always comes first.)
I’m in a cage. (The only cage I'm in is one that I created and that I have the key to.)
I’m locked down. (No such thing. I'm as free as I allow myself to be in my mind.)
There’s no way out. (That's simply untrue. I'm going to hold my own hand and show myself the way forward.)
I can’t escape. (What is there to escape? The thoughts that make you feel trapped? The obligation to this other person--the obligation that you invented? If only you knew how free you really are....)
I can’t leave. (It's a lie.)
I have to be single to follow my dreams. (No relationship, no man is ever powerful enough to stop you from doing that. Only you are, so you can choose otherwise if you want to.)
I can’t kiss other people -- if I do, then I’m a whore. (You know where this story comes from. It's a story, it's a lie, it's a relic of a wounded person acting out their pain onto you. And you don't have to carry it anymore if you don't want to.)
I’m not allowed to see other people or talk or be friends with other men. (You're the only one who gets to decide what you're "allowed" to do. Since you make the rules, what do you want them to be?)
Relationships are tiring. (Fighting with yourself and believing lies about yourself is tiring. Freedom from the fight is invigorating. Relationships that occur when you're fighting with yourself are tiring. Relationships that occur when you're on your own side are invigorating. Notice what you tolerate when you're exhausted vs. what you choose when you're inspired and invigorated.)
He’s going to take me away from focusing on coaching and my goals. (Thank God he's nowhere near that powerful. How are you clipping your own wings by believing this story?)
I can’t be myself. (You must.)
I won’t be able to focus on my life. (You have the power to choose to stop focusing on your life, but you also have the power to choose to continue to prioritize your life and your wellbeing and your connection to yourself above any relationship you enter into. What do you want to do?)
I won’t be able to focus on me. (That is never true. You own your mind always. Don't let yourself forget this. Take this seriously.)
I’m going to please him and lose myself. (If you're afraid of this then try doing the opposite)
I’m going to betray myself while pleasing him. (This would have to be a conscious choice -- do you want to? If not, you're in control of doing something else instead.)
I don’t like it. (Trust that.)
I won’t be stable. (Who benefits from you believing this?)
It will drain my energy. (Betraying yourself drains your energy, yes. What action here doesn't feel draining? What feels like integrity with yourself rather than betrayal?)
I’m going to be all over the place. (Yes. If you continue to try to meet the needs of whichever boy is in front of you in the moment, you will absolutely be all over the place. Thank God you have the ability to choose yourself instead.)
I won’t be able to deal with my emotions (There is an overwhelming amount of evidence to disprove this--you just need to choose to focus on it and acknowledge it. And even if there weren't this evidence, you would still be able to walk yourself through any emotion that comes up for you. You have the necessary strength, awareness, and love. You can do this.)
I’m going to lose myself. (Only if you decide to.)
I have to be single to follow my dreams. (Do you want to choose to believe this as truth? You get to decide. Untangle the correlation you have between your relationship status and your success in life. When you no longer make your hypothetical future partner responsible for failure or your success, you can live your life and invite him in when you're both ready.)
I belong to him. (That's a joke. Throw your head back and laugh. Drive off in your black Maserati leaving anyone who believes that in the dust.)
He owns me now. (Like Hell he does. You belong to you. This is not a discussion.)
What resonated with you in this list?
What shame stories and judgments are running your life without your consent?
How can you connect back to what is TRUE, and in so doing, empower yourself to live your life the way you actually want to live it?
Spend some time with these questions and feel how much more free and powerful you feel after doing so.
If you’re ready to do more of this work in a deeper and more structured way, come join me. This is what I do all day everyday with my amaaaazing clients, and they’re changing their lives as a result. Lots of testimonials on my website if you’d like to read their stories. I’d love to talk with you about what might be possible for you when you choose to fully step into your life and show up in a way you never have before. I’m very intentional about the clients I work with, so you can fill out the application & schedule a free call with me so that we can talk about your life, your specific goals, your codependency healing journey, and to see if we’re a perfect fit.
I’ll talk to you soon, and I hope you have an incredible week.