“I just want him to compliment me more.” “Why can’t she anticipate my needs and just do what she knows will make me feel better?”
“I don’t want to have to *ask* for this. Shouldn’t he just do it for me without me having to spell it out?”
“It’s not that hard. It’s a pretty basic boyfriend/girlfriend request—why can’t they get it right?”
“I deserve someone who will love me the way I need to be loved.”
Many of us have said or thought one or more of these statements about a partner at some point.
They seem innocent or perfectly normal or healthy, but they are all indicative of deeper issues with codependency.
According to the dominant social narrative, it is normal and healthy for us to look outside for validation, permission, approval, love, praise, and affirmations of worth. It is socially acceptable to expect our partners to buoy up our sense of self.
One of the central pillars of codependency is taking personal responsibility for how others are feeling and making other people responsible for how you’re feeling as well.
This mindset/outlook on relationships abdicates you from all personal responsibility over yourself, encouraging you to stay in emotional immaturity by demanding that other people see to it that you get all of your needs met so that you stay satisfied, but the truth is that this is your job & yours alone.
Your ego will throw a fantastic fit when you stop trying to blame other people (especially your partner) for your unhappiness.
Your ego so desperately wants a punching bag, a distraction from the underlying work you need to do around developing your own self worth so that you no longer need to rely on the approval of others. .
Question what you’ve been taught about what constitutes a “normal”, functional, healthy relationship. Take personal responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. And always always hold your personal power closely—no one can take it from you, but you *can* give it away.